P. A. R. E. N. T.

What is a parent’s role in a child’s life?

There is a lot that can be said, but I came across this brief version I had jotted down years ago and thought I would share.

Parenting is hard, and we are all raising our children differently. These pointers are just some things I learnt over the years, and still learning as we apply them raising our children. I ask myself these questions on a daily basis on this journey that has no perfect manual. I am no perfect parent, nobody is, but we are all trying to do our best right?

1. Provider.

Once you get a child, you know your reason for living has changed. You are now conscious of being the provider to a little helpless human, till the time they can fend for themselves. How prepared are we for this?

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Keep in mind, humans are totally helpless when young, the child cannot provide shelter or feed or cloth itself, it is up to us the parents to do it.

The first seven years are said to be the most critical in setting the foundation for the kind of adult a child will grow to become. How are we fulfilling this provision role to ensure we set a firm and stable standard?

Parenting is not just paying the bills and ensuring the child is fed. Provision of basics is not enough.

2. Available.

Are we available when it comes to our children? Are we easily accessible to them or are they to be neither seen nor heard?

Do we look them in the eye when they speak to us, or are we buried in our phones, laptops and tv screens?

Are we approachable, or do they fear us?

Do we listen to them or just talk at them?

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Obviously, boundaries and respect are important, but we should not let them fear to come to us. We are all they have in a cruel world, if they cannot turn to us and trust us, who can they trust?

3. Responsible.

It is not enough to just provide as a parent, we need to be responsible for and to our children.

How quick are we to respond to their needs? (Including young babies).

I do not mean we should drop everything and centre our lives around them, but we do need to be responsive to their needs and teach them patience too.

When playing and they get frustrated, how do we teach them coping strategies? Do we demean them or do we help them understand that it is normal to get frustrated and anxious at times.

If it is about something they want; talking to them about the difference between wants and needs, will help in this.

I also learnt something the other day about looking for opportunities to say yes to their wants, as per our resources and dependent on what it is they need. “Yes, you can have that toy, but for your birthday, or special occasion”, instead of an outright “No!”

Children learn more by what they see, than what we tell them. Are we responsible human beings in our personal lives?

How can we expect our children to learn responsibility when they see us shirk ours in various ways; Escaping work early, lying to get out of family commitments, e.t.c. They see all this.

Let us lead by example.

4. Encourage.

We should strive to encourage our children at all times. Through their successes and failures.

It also doesn’t hurt to carefully steer them towards the vision you have for them, and encourage them accordingly.

This is tricky and it is easy to steer them towards our failed dreams; visions we had for ourselves and impose (read force) them to actualise them. Let us not do that.

Ask them what their vision is, and guide them accordingly, we know our children; their strengths, weaknesses, talents and that they like. That knowledge will inform us on how best to encourage them.

Also let’s not compare our children to others. It is so easy to do this, but let us not. Comparison is the thief of joy. Do not be the one making your child miserable because they are not as good as the Joneses’ seemingly perfect child, or not doing things as well as their sibling. Just don’t. It inflicts wounds that fester inside and damage their self confidence and self worth.

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5. Nurture.

Encouragement and nurturing go hand in hand. As parents we must try to be dream builders not dream crushers.

Is your child talented? Encourage and nurture that talent but! there is a big “but” here – keep in mind they are still children. And we should still let them be children.

Let us take care of them, be protective of what we expose them too.

This is easier said than done, as we might also end up being too protective. It is a delicate balance of allowing them to explore; but still remain within our sights.

6. Training.

As parents, we will drop the ball many times. Let us not be too hard on ourselves. We can strive to not give up, delegate our role or neglect it as the sole providers and nurturers of these precious children, no matter how difficult it will get at times.

We should keep offering direction, guidance, and discipline. We are their first teachers. Language, values, manners, how they talk and how they think, is up to how we train them.

Image Source : Etsy printable picture quotes.

Guiding them through each milestone is not an easy task, and many are the times we will ask ourselves what we signed up for and if we can hack it. We can and will hack this parenting thing but we have to be intentional in steering them the right way.

Leading by example, listening to them, correcting them, teaching them with love and patience the difference between right and wrong.

Training also includes basic body hygiene and how they conduct themselves in private and public. Toilet manners, table manners, making their beds, brushing their teeth, cleaning up after themselves, respecting authority and elders, proper communication. “Excuse me,” “pardon me,” “please,” “thank you,” “you are welcome,” ” sorry”, how to be safe, money sense, and many more.

We are the ones to teach them all this. Not the nanny, not the daycare provider, not the teacher, we the parents are the ones to do this.

There are age appropriate ways we can impart that knowledge to them as well as many teachable moments in our daily lives that we can use to do it.

Parenting is not an easy task, but with knowledge and guidance, and keeping a ‘village’ aka support system around us, that is respectful and shares our values, we will become more confident and feel less alone when navigating this parenting life.

What are some of your best parenting tips? Please share in the comment section.

Love,

Wanjoro.

Puppy Love.

My daughter has a lot of affection for one of the dogs. Both kids love all the dogs but there seems to be an extra special bond when it comes to this specific dog. Anatalina is her name and she is a playful and delightful dog that loves human attention.

This girl knows all there is to know about this specific dog. She knows its age, what it likes and is able to tell whether it is feeling good or a bit low. What the different barks and whines mean, even how to calm the dog down sometimes. I have never seen such an intense bond between a child and an animal up close. It is something special to watch.

Growing up, not many people kept indoor pets where we lived. Even now, many people keep dogs as a security measure so they are usually built for kennels outside, and let out at night to deter intruders. Getting the kids indoor pets was not anything we took seriously. Back in Nairobi we lived in a homestead with cows, pigs, rabbits and chickens and they helped out in feeding and caring for them, but we do not have deep emotional attachments as compared to keeping a little chihuahua or pet parrot, nope.

We did have a pair of love birds once some years ago…for a day or two, then they disappeared and no, it was not my fault. LOL! Even cats are out of the question for us. Animals live outside, we live inside, that is my rule and I like it that way.

When we found out we would live with the dogs here, I was obviously apprehensive but the kids and the dogs get along just fine.

Anatalina always barks happily when she senses the kids leaving for school or when they are getting in back later in the day. She has this special whine she lets out that can be really insistent and only calms down when my daughter goes to her side of the garden and pats her down.

My daughter always checks to know when the Vet is coming to check on the dogs and watches him treat the dogs as she asks why they are being given specific meds or vitamins. There is a time she cried when Anatalina was not feeling well, and could not bear to see the dog being injected.

Seeing her interact with the dog has made me learn a few things too, and made me understand a bit on why kids love animals, in this case dogs, so much.

Dogs are known to be loyal, affectionate creatures. Probably why they are known as ‘man’s best friend.’ Dogs offer companionship, loyalty and understanding. No matter how lousy you are feeling, the sight of your dog’s delight to see you will lift your spirits. Dogs are no longer just helping us to keep safe, their presence in our lives has health benefits too. Playing with them, walking with them, stroking them helps keep us active and happy. Dog owners are actually more physically active than people who do not own dogs. If the kids are sad or had a bad day, they will sense it and try to cheer them up.

Dogs are great protectors, they will alert you when something is not right in or around your home. Their behaviour and the sounds they make will let you know of anything suspicious.

Which reminds me, I have a bit of a mystery I have been unable to solve in the neighbour hood. Almost everyone around us keeps dogs and these guys (the dogs, that is), always bark and howl insistently when one of our neighbours drives back in the evening. I do not understand why it is always that specific neighbour. At first it was a bit amusing but it has never stopped, and it has been over a year now since we moved in here. Every night this guy comes home just before 9.00 pm, ALL the dogs in our immediate area howl and bark like crazy for 3-5 minutes. I wonder why?

Anyway, back to why kids love dogs. I have also read that playing with dogs can calm down hyperactive kids, helps kids with special needs, and also teach kids a few skills. By caring for the dogs, the children learn responsibility and commitment. Knowing that there is another living being they care for will also boost their self confidence, teach them kindness and to be trustworthy.

I may have not liked dogs in the past, but I am definitely developing puppy love vibes recently. Watching my kids play with the dogs so gleefully and interact with them so freely, has taught me to also loosen up a bit, let go of my inhibitions a bit and have some fun too. What’s a little dog fur on my clothes in return for doleful eyes watching me, tail wagging crazily as I rub Anatalina behind her ears?

She is also an amazing listener. I can rave and rant and she will lie down and watch me as I vent out all my frustrations. With a few whines thrown in here and there, that I am pretty sure mean she agrees with me. She will watch me exercise or jog in the garden even dance with no judgment at all. And she keeps me company when I cook. Always at the kitchen window trying to keep up with whatever is going on with me. She is obviously begging for some kitchen scrapes but i will go with my delightful company as the reason she is always there. She is such a delightful dog.

George Graham Vest said, “The one absolute, unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world—the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous—is his dog.” Every time I watch how my daughter bonds and plays with Anatalina, I am reminded of how special dogs are. In this crazy world, who would not want a loyal, non judgement and playful companion by their side? Will we get a dog when we leave here? You bet we will.

(You can read on the other dogs’ escapades here and here. )

I will also be back soon with an update once I solve the mystery of the dogs’ reactions to our neighbour. Keep it locked.

Love,

Wanjoro.

Toying Around.

Being a parent is interesting, it is a continuous learning process and a constant reminder on how much we do not know. On anything. Toys and playing for instance.

When you get your first child, you are excited and some of us go overboard with the toys. We read up on age appropriate toys, check reviews and buy them for our little tots, assuming they will be as excited as we are about them. Some kids are happy, at first. They will touch, sniff, try to taste the toy, throw it or even play with it. But the toys do not hold their attention for a long time. Many a time has a mum had to cook with a tot at her feet banging pot lids and plastic cups together. The child finds this more exciting than their store bought toys.

So you opt to get them a mini kitchen set to play with, but nope the real oven door is much more fun to try swinging with. Cake sprinkles are better for them to run their little fingers through than the beanbags you got them, and your cookbooks are much better finger painted on. Whew!

Anyway, as the kids grow older, you realise they are building and expanding their creativity and wonder how to help them enhance it. After a few deep breaths and a painkiller or two.

Both our kids are at the age where they are now learning their strengths, and what they want to work on. They are creative and innovative at what they choose to do. As a plus, they can now pick out the kind of toys they prefer. But it doesn’t end there. What they do with the toys or rather, how they play with them is where it gets interesting.

Random ways they have incorporated their toys with things found around the house or recycled cereal or juice boxes.

About a couple of years ago, my son got a really cool firetruck and my daughter a Christmas Holiday Barbie all decked in a red and gold gown with a faux fur cowl. You should see the doll now, first it was renamed. Then got bangs, then the gown discarded for a toga made from a cloth dinner napkin. The firetruck is still there unchanged but when it is being used for play, but it is not for fake fire rescue operations, noooo. It is used as a cargo truck to transport the smaller Hot Wheels from his room to the garden.

The most interesting thing for me though is how they incorporate other everyday bits and pieces they find around the house to enhance their play experience. I no longer discard kitchen paper rolls, cereal boxes, egg crates and even water bottle lids (for the big water bottles) once done, as the kids always find ways to use them up. I have seen my son turn an old egg crate into a ‘robot monster claw’, a woven shopping bag into a cape, torn socks into sock puppets, to name a few.

These sock puppets are from their torn socks.

They each have a dedicated drawer for their sleeping toys, or those not being played with at the moment. In one drawer, Wonder Woman is sleeping next to GI Joe covered by a paper napkin, and the bigger dolls are seated watching the smaller dolls sleep in little repurposed boxes. An old cereal box has been used to hide toy cars from batman (who is a villain) in one of their games and Chase from Paw patrol will lead the other GI Joes in a sting to bring down the villainous Batman. Their story lines are humorous but intricate cliff hangers full of high speed chases, screams, rescues and happy endings.

They are also inspired by some of their favorite shows. I have been called upon to judge mudpies â la Chopped style, as well as been asked for plastic cutlery for them to showcase their meals like Tilly Ramsay. It is enlightening for me to watch them try new things, create stories in their minds and come up with characters and plot points all by themselves. I have to keep reminding myself to not interrupt them, but nurture and support their creativity. They still have to clean up after themselves though. There is no compromise on that here.

Which mudpie is the best?

As I listen and watch them play, I can tell how they interact with each other, how they compromise, solve problems, fight and make up. By listening to them I am also able to know what influences them. The shows they watch, their friends and even the names they give to their toys do mean something to them.

It is important to let children play and let their imagination flow. Play teaches them organisation and planning skills. How to arrange for some things and how certain actions produce certain results. It teaches them social skills; communication, teamwork, patience, how to handle their emotions, empathy and sympathy, self control and how to love too.

I am learning a lot about my children by not only observing them but also playing with them. I have realised that the more interaction we have in relaxed play, the more they open up about themselves; what they like and do not like, how they want something done and it never ceases to amaze me how much we as parents and adults take this for granted. I am in no way saying that we shouldn’t buy toys for our children, if you can do so, just get them age appropriate ones. Let them play with their toys as well as those boxes and rolls you are about to throw out. Let their creativity amaze you and once in a while, ask to join in their fun imaginative world too, you will not regret it!

How to Encourage Our Children to Read.

The love of reading is one of those things many parents wonder how to teach their children. How do we get them to love to read without it being burdensome? Which books should they read, and how can we encourage them from a young age? Where can we get the books? How can we know what they will enjoy?

Storytelling has been a part of human nature from time immemorial. Before humans developed written communication, myths and fables were passed on orally around the village fire. Through tales of legends of past times, dances, songs and poems, children were taught cultural and moral values, how society came to be, lessons in obedience and humility, caution and the importance of being safe, how to live in peace with nature, the cycle of life and death and many more important life lessons.

Tales similar to the one in this book were commonly told around the fireplace after a long day to caution and entertain the children.

These days we buy our children books and magazines to supplement the language arts they are being taught in school. We may read or tell them bedtime stories, read religious texts together, but is it enough? We want our children to find joy in reading and boost their fertile imagination without it being a chore.

Be it a simple bedtime story, a comic book, fiction, fantasy, adventure or a historical biography, books will always have something new to teach our children.

Some past philosophers compared children to a blank slate, ‘tabula rasa’, where it is upon us to determine what they should learn/ know. This idea has been challenged by later research findings, as we now know there are many more factors that affect how children learn. As parents, it is our responsibility to provide a proper learning environment for our children, that matches their capabilities. What and how a child reads is determined by their developmental changes, genetic makeup, their neuro diversity, and their environment. We have to keep this in mind as we teach them how to read.

Reading opens up a whole new world to us; it enables us to travel across time and space without leaving our homes. We learn new things, new words and phrases, improve our communication and become more open minded. We live in a world where we have to be well informed and up to date with what is going on around us. To do this for our children we need to let them read books that reflect the world around us accurately.

Reading not only entertains us, but also enables us to remember and treasure or discard different things from the past. We draw lessons we can apply in the present, learn how to be more tolerant and accepting of those that are different from us, learn the value of hard work, the sacrifices made by those gone before us, learn about the technological advancements made and understand life in general.

There is no harm in letting them read about the challenges in the world today. There are books addressing this written specifically for children, like these ones here.
Getting them a variety of books will keep them engrossed, informed and entertained.
There are also books such as these that help us teach our children how to be safe.

Books help us not shy away from topics we may find hard to approach with our children. Topics such as death, sex, war, violence, HIV- AIDs etc, can discussed with our children. “The Dead Bird” by Margaret Wise Brown, has been touted by many as a good book to approach how to talk about loss and death with our children. I also like this book pictured below that is great for talking to younger children about our bodies and to appreciate our physical differences.

We know children learn more from our actions. Do they see you read? My father was and still is an avid reader, we always had books, newspapers and magazines around the house. He read to us from a young age, and once we learnt how to read, he bought us different books as per our ages. I have fond memories of listening to him tell us old tales from our culture, read to us from “Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories” Collections, and Christina Rosetti’s children’s poems. Buying Dr. Seuss books alongside African folktales collections. I remember reading about Anansi the Spider’s trickster ways next to Enid Blyton’s classics. Watching us read can trigger the reading bug in our children.

Common fables such as these are a delight to read for the children, let them expand their imagination as they get entertained.

Buy or borrow from local libraries books that cover various interests too, as well as books that match their reading capability, their reading preferences and developmental stage. My daughter is at the stage where she loves reading adventure stories; we have to keep that in mind as we get her what to read. My son is crazy about cars and dinosaurs, so we are also kindling that interest.

It is never too early to read to your child. Read to them in their infancy, buy them picture books, where they can look at the colourful pictures and shapes. I like cloth and textured (also known as sensory) books that help awaken sense of touch and sight in toddlers, helping them visualise and appreciate the beauty in the pages. Nursery rhymes, alphabet and counting books for the pre schoolers are great choices too.

Cute and colourful books are great for a child just learning how to read for themselves.

Books in your mother tongue and other languages help children not only learn the languages, but also make them appreciate the diversity of different cultures, will assist in imparting cultural values and teach them to respect the differences we have. Let them read books by local authors too, they will appreciate reading from and about characters who look like them and in settings similar to their own circumstances.

Some books in different languages.

There is no shortage of ways to cultivate the love of reading to our children.

If you do not know where to start, you can begin by choosing books that are at their level of understanding. For the younger ones you can read some short stories to them. It is a treasured moment they will look forward too, whether a simple bedtime story or an impromptu story time session during a long trip. Read aloud to them and pronounce the words well, and if it is a word or phrase that is unfamiliar to them, ask them if they know or can guess what it means.

When reading to them, make it fun and interactive to keep them interested. Make it lively when reading. Facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, voice inflections will capture their interest in the story.

Encourage questions as you read. Let them interject and answer them before continuing with the story. Encourage feedback too, ask them what they think about what you read, or what they are reading for themselves. Did they enjoy the story? What did they think about the character and their choices? Would they like to read or hear more stories along those lines?

Buy them books as gifts. Rewards are always motivating, so get them books as a reward too. If they can read for themselves, get them books according to their reading ability and preference. Ask them what they enjoy reading. Stroll through the bookstore or library with them and let them go over the books they are interested in. It will give them a sense of independence and teach them how to make decisions. We should never under estimate the teachable moments all around us.

As parents, I know we want to expand their reading, and stay on top of what they read, so here is what I do; At the moment, my kids can borrow a maximum of three books a week from their school library, what I do is ensure there is at least one non-fiction book out of the three for each of them. A minimum of one non fiction will ensure that they will not only get entertained by their other selections, but will get to learn some factual information too.

This is a sample of my son’s weekly reading from the school library. At least one non fiction a week works for him. I especially love these Nat Geo readers.

Provide them with a variety of books to expand their imagination. From fantasy, to cultural tales, encyclopaedias, adventure stories, historical biographies, fables and legends to poetry. The list is endless. Also get them age appropriate dictionaries so they can know the meanings of the new words they come across while reading.

Check for age appropriate dictionaries at your local bookstore.

Let them read at their own pace. Do not rush them or force them, this will discourage them and make them feel like reading is burdensome.

Even 10 – 20 minutes is enough for them to read if you need them to improve on it. Remember, reading is fun, let us not turn it into an arduous activity for them.

A lot of children’s books these days have some interactive activities and questions at the back. Ask them if they need help to do some of the activities, which can be a great bonding session for all of you.

Do not shame your child over their reading preferences. Different types of stories expand their imagination. Every genre and tale has a lesson they can learn. You may feel fairy tales are ridiculous; The dashing heroes who come to save, the transformations of characters from animal to human, the characters’ suffering…but they offer hope and a happy ending when good triumphs over evil.

Personally, I like Winnie the Pooh and her fellow characters’ varying outlooks on life; they teach our children different perspectives. That it is indeed possible to have differing outlooks on life and still get along.

Books such as “The Magic School Bus” range and the “National Geographic Super Readers” Range, offer factual information in such a captivating way; your children will love knowing more about the universe, how our bodies work, the environment and many more interesting things.

It is very important to vet what our children are reading. What is influencing their current reading preferences? Check out the reviews of the books they are interested in and read the books themselves too. Not all books are good or written with the best intentions. Ensure they are reading books that go hand in hand with the values you want them to have.

We have to be proactive in encouraging our children to read. It is not enough to just buy them the books and let it be. Let us lead by example; let them see us read and talk about what we have read, even if it is a newspaper or magazine article. Have discussions with them on what they are reading and their thoughts about the characters or the storyline, or what they enjoyed most about their book.

Encourage them to write their own stories. You can even recreate some of the stories which might inspire them to do so too. My son turned his worn socks into sock puppets the other day and recreated a scene from something he had read with his sister’s help. It was quite entertaining to watch.

The best thing about books is we can find them almost everywhere. From ordinary bookstores, supermarkets, thrift markets, roadside sellers, online, garage sales, from friends, books fairs or local libraries, there are so many places one can access them.

You can also let them read online (with cyber safety measures in place, obviously). There are many websites and apps that you can download and create a profile for your child, and let them read various books. Try sites and apps such as Starfall, RAZ Kids, ABC and Adventure Academy, Mee Genius, Hoopla, Homer, and many more.

Reading nurtures patience, curiosity, tolerance, respect, humility, empathy and the most important lesson of all; that humans are equal. We just view the world in different ways.

Reading will make our children open minded, appreciate our diversity as inhabitants of our planet, learn how to solve problems, inform them of how the world around us works, learn to appreciate and nurture our environment and many more valuable lessons.

Before we know it, our children will be grown and out of our homes. The hunger to know and enjoy the process of learning new things, and seeking to understand the world we live in, are some of the important things we can teach them. A joy for reading will help us impart those lessons to them.

What else can we do to encourage our children to read?

What influences your parenting?

There was a thread on Twitter some months ago on “What your parents did that was important for your development”. It had very interesting and eye opening responses. You can find it here on this link.

It was very enlightening and made me think about how my husband and I were raised, and how it has affected the way we are raising our children. There is no perfect manual on doing this. Sure, numerous resources are available, but when it comes to the real nitty gritty, all those tips may not be that handy when you put them into practice.

When we had our first born, I had downloaded all the baby apps with high ratings, bought all the best books and baby stuff we could afford. She was the quintessential ‘perfect’ baby; didn’t fuss or cry much, fed well, napped two hours as per the app, met her milestones as per the apps and books perfectly. When the second baby came, my assumption that he would be like his sister was thrown out the window! The boy cried, was restless, fussy…. everything his sister was not. I needed grace. A lot of it…And at that time I could not understand what was wrong with him. My husband has always been very supportive and handled it very well. I did not. When I look back, I see how mistaken I was in assuming they could be the same. They are not. They are two different human beings, with two different personalities. Sure, they have the same parents but that does not in any way mean they are the same. There was nothing wrong with my son. He was absolutely fine.

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A lot of us were brought up by authoritarian parents, where their word was law, and kids were basically to be seen and not heard. With time, education, and various social and technological advancements, we have come to understand human behaviour better- we have come to learn of different parenting styles, our personality traits, how to face our childhood trauma, stress, both mental and relationship based etc… and how they all affect children’s development.

Nevertheless, the fact that we are now better informed than those before us does not mean we have become better parents. Being a good parent has to be intentional and it is tough for us. It is upon us to keep in mind how our actions and words affect our children. This is not easy.

We are raising our children in a world that is bombarded with all kinds of information ALL the time. We have to filter what gets through to them and teach them how to navigate this world, as we balance our careers, educational advancements, demands of our relationships, friendships and societal expectations.

Traditionally, the village set up where relatives were close by and the community brought up the children together helped a lot in raising kids, hence the term, “It takes a village.” Presently the nuclear family is the common unit for raising children, and even this has changed definition as not all children are being raised by both parents in the same household. We now have same sex parents, single parent households, grandparents raising grandchildren, etc. Times have truly changed, but the basics of wanting to bring our children up the right way have not changed.

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We have different personalities, and so do our children. This is important to understand as it affects how we communicate with them and impart our values in a way that they can understand. How are our temparaments? Children mimic a lot what they see us do, even when we say the opposite. How they watch and observe us do different things and treat others is how they will behave most, if not all the time.

We should never assume that children cannot sense when we are stressed. They do, even if they may not understand it, they can sense our agitation and tension. And they will react to it.

Parenting is not just paying the bills, providing for your children and expecting them to “pay back” in good grades and exemplary behaviour. Parenting means wholly supporting their mental, emotional, physical, social, intellectual and spiritual development from the time we hold them in our arms as newborns till they time they reach adulthood.

Communication with children is so underrated despite its importance to their development. We can support them in talking to them, discussing with them and listening to them.

Do we ask them what they want? Do we bless them with our words? Do we listen to them? Do we answer their questions or dismiss them? Do we believe they have something valuable to say? Do we make them feel welcome in the family? Simple things like having a meal together with the tv off and no phones on the table is one of the ways your children will have a discussion with you on various things in a relaxed manner.

Relaxing in the garden, on a picnic, the drive to and from school, chatting on a long road trip or when running errands are some other opportune moments to catch up with them. I love listening to their conversations even when just talking to each other, as I get to catch a glimpse of their school life and how they relate to their friends.

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Family meetings are another way to help in this. Yes, family meetings. Set aside 20 or so minutes where all the family members sit and discuss different issues that may have arisen in the family. Every one is equal in the meeting, free to express themselves and give feedback and everyone gets a chance to speak freely.

It is an interesting but effective way to improve on our communication skills as family members. It has taught us how to compromise, boosted the children’s self confidence and self esteem and made them feel seen, heard and valued as a family member. (Let me tell you, it stings when your kids call you out on not matching your talk, but it is worth it). Keep it respectable and non- judgemental too.

As we all know, kids learn more by actions than words. How do we instil our values in them? How do we get them to have a sense of morality? How do we teach them the difference between right and wrong? Do we teach them our cultural values too?

Do we tell them not to lie, then go ahead and lie to their faces? Do we tell them not to litter, then go ahead and throw trash out of the window with them in the car? Do we take them to nice private schools (for the discipline, or so we claim), breaking traffic rules as we speed there as they watch on? Do we give traffic police officers bribes in their presence? Do we trash talks others in our children’s presence? Do we bad mouth our relatives, their teachers and other adults as they listen? Do we mistreat our house helps and workers as they look on? Are we rude to waiters and security guards, insulting them and talking down to them as our children watch, listen and learn? Even now with the pandemic, how and why do we expect our older children to keep their masks on, sanitize and maintain social distance when we are doing the exact opposite?

We have to strive to be good role models to our children.

Our social economic status also influences our parenting. This includes what we expose our children to and what material things we are able to buy them, their healthcare, education and even social interactions. It is every parent’s wish to be able to provide the best for their children but that is not always possible. How do we communicate to them when we are unable to provide some of these things? Do we make them feel like they are a burden to us? Do we make them feel privileged to have what we have provided for them?

This is a tricky one but the reality is the social economic status of parents does affect how they parent. Some studies have found that the higher the socio economic status, the parenting will lean towards the permissive style and vice versa. Key to note though, is we all want the best for our children, despite our circumstances.

How we set boundaries for our children is also determined by our style of parenting. How and why should we discipline our children? Are you an advocate of “spare the rod and spoil the child?” or do you believe in talking things through? Do you adopt the “time out” method or do you withdraw privileges for a certain amount of time? Discipline is important as children need to learn the difference between right and wrong, and choose the right. They need to know that actions have consequences too, learn integrity, honesty and know that one cannot always have their way.

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No matter which way you choose, children do need a firm hand and direction otherwise they will have no self control, no respect for authority, be prone to abuse others (bullying), and no social skills. Both parents, if present, also need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline, otherwise the children will sense and can take advantage of one parent’s “apparent” weakness on the same.

We also need to be flexible in how we discipline our children. What works for one child doesn’t mean it will work for the other, and it also depends on the wrong that has been done.

A disciplined child is a responsible child, self assured, is good company to be around and is accountable for their actions. Once again, this is easier said and done, but we as the parents have to do the work, if we want to raise self assured, responsible members of society.

There is a lot more we can do as parents. What is important for me as a mother is to ensure I am a good role model for my children. Nobody is perfect, and they need to know that, but key for me is for them to learn that in spite of our imperfections as humans; we can be kind, humane, considerate and responsible. My goal for them is to have a strong sense of morality but be open minded too. The world we live in is very different from the one I was raised in, and so will the world they will live in as adults.

My dream for them is to be accommodating of how different we are as humans, be respectful to others and the environment and also have the discernment to make the right decisions in life. To be people of integrity, be self confident but not proud, work hard and smart and be successful in all they seek to do. Is this not what all parents want of their children?

As we strive to do right by our children, let’s not delude ourselves that it will work. We may do the best we can and our children turn out contrary to our expectations. Will it mean we have failed as parents? We have high expectations of ourselves and our children and tend to be hard on ourselves if it doesn’t end well. How prepared are we to cope with that?

Being a parent is involving and requires full commitment. There is no caveat to quit on the job. Because of this, it is important to know we are not alone. Making friends with other parents will help us as we share challenges and solutions on how to best raise our kids. It is ok to seek help, let us not suffer alone and in silence.

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To my dear fellow parents, what influences your parenting? What can we do to ensure we are raising our children the right way?

PS: You can read more on my thoughts on parenting here – https://mykampalanotebook.wordpress.com/2020/10/02/it-takes-a-village/